Dear internet,
I am a self-diagnosed workaholic. I love the feeling of getting into a work flow, and cranking out a couple hours of intense studying or writing. The satisfaction and pride is like no other.
For years, I defined myself by my accomplishments. I was the girl who got good grades, got into State Orchestra every year, and did well on National Spanish Exams. I was the girl who got into a top university. I was the girl who…
Since then, personal character traits, personality, and values have become a larger part of my self-identity. But the innate desire to work toward goals everyday, impatience when a social gathering goes over-time, stress when I am not working, still dominates my existence.
Making checklists leaves me feeling settled inside. Without them, I am a ball of anxiety. In fact, I had to learn how to not do anything. I had to understand the benefits of “fun,” “hanging out with friends,” and “wasting time.” Still, managing this condition is a work in progress. Not working for a couple of days holds enormous consequences for my psyche. It causes immense disappointment, guilt, and insomnia. Logic does not help. I know that it will work out in the end. I know I should not care about a day or two of imperfect discipline. I know life is so much more than what is here in front of me. But alas, letting go is a skill that I am still trying to master.
I think part of it is because I am single, and without a family of my own to take care of. Like most younger folks, I have only my own future to think of right now. It is a blessing and unique time in one’s life. But likewise causes a certain degree of selfishness in my priorities. While I will drop everything for a friend or family member in need, and will selflessly take care of someone else, my priorities in life are my own. I have not needed to sacrifice a large portion of my daily time every day, for years on end, for someone else.
Therefore, I think my painting project is a way for me to step out of my own bubble. There has been a craving to do something like this for a long time. A large project in which I could really serve others. While my future profession is centered on service, a large chunk of getting there means prioritizing personal academics, studying, and scores. It is hard to find time for every meaningful pursuit that we want to do when work is blaring on the sidelines.
But I am worried that balancing time for this passion project will be difficult. I am worried that the workaholic in me will cause tunnel vision– and I will drop the project the moment school becomes busier. Nevertheless, I am hopeful that the desire to make more meaningful impact will be enough to fuel it forward. And I am excited to inspire others to join in on the journey.
Art of Medicine 