As a senior in her last semester of college, I’ve recently been overwhelmed with thoughts about the future. My expectations for this semester were positive: apply to medical school (for which I feel ready to do), start art project and volunteer more at hospice, write thesis (not as excited about), and really soak in the flexibility of taking only two classes. Instead, these first two weeks have been busier than expected. And without the usual structure created by a full course schedule, my vacant days have consisted of trying to have the self-discipline to write my thesis and apply to other gap year opportunities. And considering gap year plans have been anxiety-inducing. In the past, I would have embraced the excitement of going somewhere new for a year. California, Boston, Philadelphia — I embraced them all. In fact, the farther away, the better. But now, with a possible new relationship (in the very beginnings of the stage), I have found it difficult to be excited about far-away opportunities.
The relationship itself is creating its own mental space, exposing the anxieties and paranoia that I could previously keep behind careful boundaries and walls. I don’t know if it will go anywhere right now, let alone survive past graduation. And I don’t know if it’s going well– just slowly, or stagnating and withering. I don’t know if my worries are a sign of incompatibility, or just personal issues of impatience and paranoia. This emotional uncertainty has been the toughest to handle. When you know you really like someone, but at the same time have a fear of liking them too much. Because who knows how his feelings will change, whether he will be willing to fight for it in the face of uncertainty.
At the end of the day, we cannot control and plan for everything. Life does not come in perfect cutouts. It gives you rags and roughened edges that seem to never piece together. But what’s fun about perfection anyway? The crux of life are disappointments and midnight sobbing, along with the conversations, deep-set appreciation for those you love, and butterflies when you see the one you could love. So give me that whole rainbow of emotions. The highs and lows. Give it all.
Art of Medicine 